03 June 2007

Let myself down

Today is a week ago since I had my final. I had two weeks to study for my last final, friday June 8th. Until today I´ve been studying 6-7 hours total this whole week. Nahal has really tried to encourage me studying, and I always make excuses for not studying.
Finally today, one of the nicest days here in Stockholm this year, me and Nahal were suppose to hang out and enjoying the weather during the afternoon. But something happened, I had a deal with Nahal. The deal was that if I could make my self studying during the day for 4 hours, then she would hang out with me. Guess what I did. I broke the deal, I felt terrible, and at last we didn´t hang out.
I thought I´d made the right priorities, but cleaning my room, wash cloth etc are f**king far from right priorities.
Is this what happens when fear get along, when the feeling of failing is getting bigger and bigger. But I´ve succeded before, I´ve succeded so many times. What happend? What happened with my faith? What happened this last 4-5 years. Why did I lost myself and never found the way back again?
I have to find the faith, the strength, the courage and the wisdom (lyrics from India Arie :) ).
I just need to bet on my own life, and go for it. But I feel so fearful. Fear is a humans biggest enemy I believe, how come I made it my best friend????


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